Friday, December 16, 2005

stressed and depressed=(

Sometimes I do wonder if I could have learnt German a little more diligently, or perhaps I should have taken a year of language course again after all...But deep inside I guess I know that it wouldn't have improved my current situation in any way.

It is tough to contribute to the discussions, even with preparation beforehand, and when I did not have time to prepare stuff beforehand, I can't follow the stuff at all. Perhaps it is just due to the stress from this week, but sometimes I do have doubts about my present capability. It is times like this when you wish that mom was here, so that you would have a leg to cry on, instead of trying to hide your tears while pouring your heart out to a machine in the lib. Enough self-pity. Disgusting.

It has to be the lack of sleep=)

But truly, you wouldn't have chosen this path if you had thought that it would be easy. Good things in life are never easy.


ON a brighter note, I held my presentation on Singapore this Wed and it was good. Touched me to see so many of my classmates and friends in the room, coming to support me/hear about my home. I guessed I realised that this ppt on S'pore was more important to me that I thought: It is not only the homesickness part, but also the part of me that thinks, "hey, you can do something well, give yourself a pat." I know overcoming the language barrier takes time, but does it always take so MUCH time, energy and effort?

Suddenly, I realise all I want for Christmas is to go home.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

*The truth is out there*

I just recalled a rather funny incident in class on Thursday. My prof for comparative politics was replying to a question I asked in class, and he took quite a long time in answering it, in the meantime, I had another question forming most stubbornly in my head. Thus I raised my hand just as he posed us another question, (to which I haven’t been listening to), and asked if I could pose a question. He said in return, you could ask your question after you have answered mine, which I couldn’t of course! =p Anyway, he answered the question himself (which was a really simple answer, which I could have answered had I been listening), and his answer to my question was, “Write an email to the author, won’t you? He is so unclear on these points.” (!!)

However, I must admit that he is really a great prof. Good in carrying out discussions, making his points clear, etc. His seminars were the first ones in which I ventured to pose questions in my halting German.

Sometimes I do think that being a German is rather advantageous, one does not need to concentrate so hard to understand what others are saying if one was German. (argh.) I regret to say that I am still having difficulties with the language even though I have learning it ever since 7 years ago…(SEVEN entire years! Oh wasted youth!) It is definitely good to be a German in Germany. *What a redundant sentence! *

Another interesting thing that occurred in class discussion today: it concerns the feminist movement. One thing about coming from a modern girls’ school is that one tends to think that one is a feminist even though one hardly understands what feminism is about. In the course of our “Methods” tutorial, we discussed the general view that women should dominate the professorships for research in Feminism, because research in Feminism should would require usage of scientific tools and methods that would be better understood by females. Going by this seemingly innocent assumption, it would then be appropriate to postulate that the field of microbiology should be pursued by microbes. (Hilarious! =)) The truth, and the absolute truth, is NEVER gender-specific. If any tool happens to be more suited to any specific group, that tool is then unreliable, and it would need to be checked by other scientists to see if it is only just an instrument-theory (method of collecting empirical data to act as empirical substantiation for a theory that is to be proved…), how do we know that the evidence we have is not biased by the data-collector himself/herself?

I did a ppt on the different types of corporate cooperation on Wednesday, all in german, and I think I spoke a full 20 min. *poor classmates of mine! * You could almost hear the rustle of whispers in the beginning of my ppt as some of my classmates (some of them whom I have not got to know personally) asked others where I was from and who I was. I felt immense sympathy for them as I could see their visible struggle to listen and follow my ppt. (argh!) The next time I am doing such a thing again, I am so gonna practise the night before.

I will be doing a ppt presentation on Singapore next Wednesday. Almost everyone who knows me knows of this... I can’t help but be a little nervous. What if I screw it up? Then pple’s impression of my country would be that of a screwed up ppt. :S Now, where has all your confidence gone to, leeting? And I seriously think I am taking on too much this sem, and next week is gonna be the busiest week of my entire life. The ppt, a Klausur for my worst subject, so much catching up work to do, a discussion with my comparative pols professor about the paper I have to write for his module…Why on earth have I taken so many modules in the first place? It is not as if I could finish my studies earlier if I take more. 30 hours of lessons a week. Sometimes I wonder if I am out of my mind.

Most of my ‘extra’ lessons are for German. I do hope to improve by leaps and bounds, or I shall be meek like a cow. Putting lousy rhymes aside, not knowing enough good German does put a serious dampener on spontaneity. Terrible.